Family Curse ED
by LucyCrewe11
Summary: It's "Family Curse ED" with Jack and Nick. Find out how best to protect yourself from such dangers as explosions and disappearing beanstalks! Also features extremely weird humour, inside jokes, character bashing, pairing bashing, a stolen crossbow, and random interworld travel. ONE-SHOT, spoof.


**AN: All right, this is just a silly little spoof I made up, partly inspired by Barely Poltical's fake Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes'**** Driver's ED video on youtube. I got the idea for this when I realized both Jack and Nick are characters from a modern setting with fairytale stuff in their family histories. Most of this is just general spoofing of the fandoms (movie/show) themselves, but I have an inside joke I put in for a friend of mine, aka the toast thing (you know who you are!), as well. **

Family Curse ED

_Featuring Nick Burkhardt & Jack Robinson _

Standing in front of a sparkling clean whiteboard, Jack Robinson straightened out his suit while Nick Burkhardt shifted from one foot to the other and scratched the back of his neck nervously.

_Okay, men_, Hank Griffin's voice off-camera said pointedly. _We're rolling. _

Jack plastered on his best business-man smile (just like Siggy, his childhood mentor and current mental hospital patient, had taught him many years ago). "Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jack Robinson."

Nick grimaced. "And I'm detective Nick Burkhardt."

"Welcome to our Giant-land and Wesen-community mandated..."

Nick whipped his head around and raised his eyebrows at Jack pointedly. "Um, Jack? Yeah, I don't think we're supposed to say they're making us do this."

"Take it easy. I know what I'm doing," Jack insisted, folding his arms across his chest. "I'm forty-four years old."

"You're _not_ forty-four years old," Nick said under his breath, doing a little eye-roll.

"Shut up."

"I have a bigger fanbase than you." This, followed by a small snort of contempt.

"_I _have a believable, well-written love-interest," Jack countered, eyebrows shooting up.

"Touche." Nick's shoulder's slumped down.

_Take two_, Hank's voice muttered, followed by a clicking sound. _Try and stick to the script, guys. _

"Hi, I'm Nick Burkhardt."

"And I'm Jack Robinson." He reached behind him and pulled out a fancy harp, holding it up in front of his face. "Welcome to ancient family curse safety 101." The harp fell from his fingers, landing on the floor with an echoing thud.

"A lot of young people today don't realize how much of a pain unusual family heritage really is," Nick went on.

"Or how to deal with it," Jack added.

"There are a lot of dangers to inheriting a deadly secret before you're ready."

"Or several years _after_ you're ready..." laughed Jack. "Not that I'm bitter or anything. I don't mind the fact that my mentor kept me from finding out that my ancestor killed a giant so that he could take all my money when I dropped dead from a curse I had no knowledge of." He glared into the camera. "Really, I'm _fine_."

"Anyway..." Nick cut in, pulling out a small pile of index cards and handing half of them to Jack. "Here are some things to be on the watch for."

"_Beanstalks getting cut down while you're still climbing them_," Jack read, sucking his teeth while Nick wrote _Beware of Beanstalks_ on the whiteboard behind them in green marker. "Constantly!" He flipped to the next card. "_Getting shot at_..."

"Been there." Nick nodded.

Flip. "_Random people who don't contribute to the plot of your messed up life._" Jack chuckled to himself. "Who _are_ these people?"

"Maybe they're related to the director," Nick offered.

Jack shrugged and continued. "_Nightmares_."

"They're the worst," agreed Nick.

"_Giants trying to kill you_."

"No giants for me yet," Nick mused. "Maybe next season."

"And, of course," Jack read the last card in his hand: "_Monroe_."

Nick started on his cards. "_People's faces changing right in front of you_. No comment." He went to the next one. "_Creatures trying to steal -or steal back- valuable objects. _Eh, it happens." Next one, "_iphones and Apple computers._" He looked up and winked. "Love them. _All_ of Portland loves them."

Jack pulled out an old, non-namebrand cellphone from 2001 and pressed it to his ear. "No, I can't talk now, I'm doing a safety video." Blushing sheepishly, he quickly tucked it into his vest pocket.

"_Weird aunts_." Nick got a little misty-eyed and choked up.

Jack started blowing his nose into a lacy handkerchief, then stared down forlornly at a ring on his finger. "Why are they so lovably weird?"

"_Explosions_." Nick demonstrated by waving his arms in the air. "Almost episode now!" Jack drew a picture of what was probably supposed to be fiery flames on the whiteboard but really looked like a lot of red squiggles before Nick flipped to the following card. "_Hoards of guest-stars suddenly hellbent on breaking into your dead aunt's trailer._"

"My aunt had a _mansion_," Jack cut in proudly.

"Good for you," Nick snapped. "Okay, last card. _Ondine_."

"Hey, watch it." Jack glared at him. "That's the mother of my whole bunch of little Robinsons you're talking about!"

"Whatever."

"Your girlfriend's cheating on you," Jack told him.

"_What_?"

"With your boss."

"Oh my god! Juliette and Captain _Renard_?" Nick looked horrified, staring off camera at Hank. "Who else knows about this?"

_No, Nick_, Hank tried, _it's okay. She's only cheating on you because she lost her memory. And that only happened after you told her you were a Grimm, so if you think about it, it's really _your_ fault. _

"Wait,_ what_?" Nick gaped at the camera in disbelief.

"That's all right." Jack put a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. "There's no need to blame yourself. You can just blame Adelind Shade unfairly like the rest of the fandom."

_Okay, cut!_ _Seriously!_ Hank sounded annoyed now. _We're getting off topic. _

"The truth is," Nick said, once the cameras were rolling again, "we know everything that can go wrong when you find out all the fairytales you were told as a kid are actually _real_. We've_ been_ there."

"Instead of just talking about it," Jack suggested, "let's show them a PowerPoint presentation."

"Slide show!" Nick grinned.

"The first thing you need to know is that all ancestors are thieving, murdering jerks." Jack held up a peace of construction paper with a taped picture of a stick-figure blonde guy in green tights climbing a beanstalk with what was probably supposed to be a goose and a harp but looked more like an alien and a broken fishing rod.

"Ah!" Nick yelped involuntarily, jumping back a couple feet and putting his hand to his heart. "Jack, what the hell _is_ that?"

"My PowerPoint presentation." Jack frowned defensively. "I was in another world for seven years, cut me a break here."

Nick ripped the paper out of Jack's hands and tossed it aside. "On the subject of ancestors, you need to accept the fact that they've probably killed a lot of people in endlessly gruesome ways."

Behind Nick, Jack was busy scrubbing the whiteboard clean again, a familiar object swinging carelessly from his free hand.

"That's my crossbow!" Nick gasped.

Jack turned around and slipped it behind his back. "No, it isn't."

"Yes it is!" Nick shouted, leaning in, looking ready to flip out.

"Calm down." Jack dropped the crossbow (which, yes, was in fact Nick's) and grabbed a plate which someone (Dussan?) off-camera handed him from the side. "Here, have a piece of toast."

Nick looked lustfully down at the plate, reaching for the toast with trembling fingers. "How did you _find _me?"

Jack wrote _Saving Yourself_ on the whiteboard.

Mouth full, Nick grunted, "Main characters are not expected to know how to do that."

Jack erased that and wrote_ Law Enforcement _instead.

"I'm a cop," Nick said proudly, swallowing the last morsel of toast and then looking imploringly off-camera, whispered, "More toast, please?"

"No, not like that." Jack cleared his throat and bellowed, "_Moooore_!" in the most giant-like voice he could manage.

A piece of toast came flying and hit Nick on the side of the head.

"Anyway," continued Jack, "Law enforcement can be really tricky. Especially when you've been dead for several years. But it's always completely possible to escape them when you somehow jump out a window that's at least two floors up, if not more. All they ever see is the curtain blowing in the wind." He paused. Then added, "Oh, and if someone wants to kill you -or even just for everyone to believe you're dead- they won't let you get arrested. They_ have_ to stop the security from hauling you away long enough to reveal their master plan, and for the giants to come to your rescue in the meantime. Just make sure you've already achieved your quest and gotten whatever sacred items you were after before this happens. Otherwise you just get your head cut off by the good guys."

"Bummer," said Nick.

"It is, isn't it?"

"No, I meant I'm out of toast again."

_Nick, no more toast_, Hank called out._ Transferring your feelings for Juliette to a piece of bread is unhealthy._

"Uggghhhhhh!" Nick, his skin gone white and creepy like a zombie, flailed his arms in the air and made a rampaging lunge for the camera.

_Nick, _think _about what you're doing!_

"Arrrgggggg!"

"This is not good." Jack jumped out of the way and shouted, "Quick, Ondine! Pack up the kids and get the exploding things. Time to get back to Giant-land before things get messy."

_Wait you can't just leave me with him like this! _

A blinding white flash ensued and suddenly Jack was nowhere to be found.

_Okay, apparently he can... _

**AN: Review, if so inclined.**


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